An unlikely suspect is being charged in a recent submarine fire that caused more than $400 million worth in damage. The suspect you ask? A vacuum cleaner.
Members of the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard Congressional Office are telling reporters that a “vacuum cleaner used to clean work sites at the end of a shift” was “stored in an unoccupied space.” As of now, the details of how the fire actually started are still unknown.
It’s pretty obvious how the fire was started. Most older model vacuum cleaners, circa 1800′s, came with a setting known as “incinerate.” When flipped to this mode, the vacuum would spew out a torrent of fireballs in an attempt to “quickly and efficiently clean a space.” This may seem a tad on the unsafe side, yes. That is why it is no longer an option on vacuum cleaners.
In the famous case of Dyson v. The Johnson’s Living Room, the judge decreed that “no vacuum cleaner manufactured from this day forward shall have any feature that involves the emission of sparks, flares, infernos, and/or a sea of flames.”
People are speculating that while the vacuum was in this “unoccupied space,” the switch may have been flipped from “off” to the “incinerate” mode mentioned above. It was thought that all vacuum cleaners containing this fiery feature had been destroyed, as to prevent any more accidents from occurring. When asked by reporters about what he thought was going on, Conspiracy T. Heorist (or Connie for short) said, “Iz purrty obvious ain’t it? The U.S. navy and military are taken deese flame throwin’ vacuums and using dem as weapons of mass destruction!” No response from the navy or military on Connie’s comments.
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